i slept so badly last night. i couldn't sleep and i was like dying of hunger too.
oh well at least the weighing scale tells me i've lost weight.
i've been feeling kinda down lately i guess. and unbelievably stressed.
haven't been too happy about certain things, and it doesn't help that my university applications are like crap and im still sick.
i'm seriously considering forgetting the whole thing altogether and just giving up my dream.
it's just too difficult and i can't do it.
the teachers' recommendations stuff are driving me nuts and the only admissions essay that i've started on is like total rubbish.
and would it kill her to at least reply my msg and give me a straight answer ? this happens to actually be important to me and she doesn't give a shit. so much for claiming to be caring.
im never gonna make the application deadlines, and im resenting myself for it.
this really sucks. i can't even begin to describe how disappointed and sad i feel.
i thought i was capable of doing so many things but i guess..im just not.

you say i don't have to feel bad. but i ask you how. you always assume. assume that i'm happy or whatever. i know this is a difficult and painful time for you, but it's a very difficult and horrible time for me too. you say you care about how i think. but i guess im just too tired to tell you how i think anymore because at the end of the day i know you'll never agree with me or see things my way and it'll simply just end in another quarrel, and hey im not prepared to volunteer myself for insult. especially when im already feeling so fragile. maybe you'll be angry if you read this. i don't know. im sorry if this offends cos i don't mean it that way either.

i don't like showing how troubled or upset i feel. but i guess today is just one of those days where i can't help but let it show. i guess it's only with the dancers that i find solace. with them i can truly forget how screwed up and disappointed i really feel. but at the end of the day, everybody has somebody. somebody who will make their heart skip a beat when their names appear on their message screens, or smile stupidly at their handphones. except me. it isn't like i can't do without anyone cos im really not that kind of person. im really not helpless or needy or overly dependent. my world is still standing. i know i can survive no matter what. but still, it would be nice you know ?

perhaps tomorrow i will be going on and on about how my girlfriends are all i need. but for today, please just let me wallow in the fact that it's never a good feeling being alone at christmas.