she said i think i'm going to boston.
i think i'll start a new life.
i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
i'll get out of california,
i'm tired of the weather.
i think i'll get a lover, i'll fly them out to spain.
i think i'll go to boston.
i think that i'm just tired,
i think i need a new town, to leave this all behind.
i think i need a sunrise,
i'm tired of the sunset.
here it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
in boston..no one knows my name.
no one knows my name.


i'm really tired...tired of always being the bad guy. tired of being the perpetually evil witch. i'm tired of taking responsibility for things i shouldn't be responsible for. i'm tired of having to account for my actions when i should no longer have to account for them. and i'm tired of feeling guilty when the fault isn't mine.

i guess anyone looking in from the outside would inevitably see me as evil. but no one ever tries putting themselves in my shoes. what would they do if they were me ? i'm free and unbridled, but then again i'm not. many people don't even begin to see the pressure. having a boy on the side who i can't depend on cos i don't wanna give him the wrong idea, who i can't turn to cos i don't wanna give him the wrong idea, but whose problems i have to listen to and advise on day in day out whenever he comes to me, and whose feelings i have to consider with every single step i take. it really frustrates me, cos i shouldn't have to do any of these things when i'm not his girlfriend. so i'm trapped in this relationship limbo, stuck with all the responsibilities of a relationship without any of its privileges. i've tried so hard to escape it, but no matter how much i try i just can't get away. nobody understands how tiring it is. maybe it was that which finally drove me to the act the way i did. when my pent-up frustration reached a point and peaked, and triggered me to rashly decide - screw it, i'm gonna do something for my own happiness regardless of what anyone thinks. yes i was selfish, but i feel it wasn't without cause or reason. i carried this burden around for months, and i could no longer bear it. i'm not trying to justify what i did, i'm just wondering why i always have to be the bad guy. things are never that simple. and nobody ever bothers to notice what goes on behind the scenes. i know i was wrong not to consider your feelings. but do you consider my feelings either, when you cling onto me so tight ? how trapped and burdened and frustrated and torn i feel. this isn't what being single should feel like. i should be free as a bird to do what i like and see who i like, not heavy and tied down by those who should no longer have the right to tie me down. i was desperate, and felt like i was being cornered with no escape. something drastic was bound to happen. i'm sorry, i really didn't mean to hurt you like this. but it's also about time you learnt to let go.

they say honesty is always the best policy. but i think whoever said that is clearly out of his mind. i finally understand there's nothing wrong with a little white lie. in fact, sometimes lying is necessary. i guess some things are just better left unsaid. now thanks to my disgusting self-righteous self who blurted everything out, things that shouldn't be my fault have now become all my fault. i'm left alone, feeling unbearably guilty about the whole thing, and angry that i'm even feeling guilty in the first place cos by right i shouldn't have to.and at the end of it all, the one who's the most responsible is the only one who comes out of all this unhurt and unscathed. talk about fair. i take on his share of the blame and guilt while he gets away scott free. and to make things worse, cos i'm the one who spoilt everything with my huge mouth, i feel i have the responsibility to protect and defend him, though i know very well that he doesn't deserve it. i wonder why i bother sometimes. he probably wouldn't even appreciate it.

the truth, is you could slit my throat,
and with my one last gasping breath
i'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt.

so i stand here before you, unbearably stressed, frustrated and worn out. begging you to forgive, forget what happened and start over. and begging you to forget me.

on another note, my grandma doesn't have much time left..it's depressing to hear about the morphine and saying goodbye. and my dad just seems to have health problems after health problems. it's pretty upsetting to find out about the kidney diesase and tomorrow's biopsy. life just doesn't seem very fair.. everything seems crushing right now.